The struggle with infertility can be a real test for the couple's relationship: it can weaken even more a less solid relationship or it can make it stronger.
Elena M. and her husband tried for 4 years to conceive a child, until, with the help of ProFecund, little Maia appeared in their lives. Like other women, Elena saw her relationship put to the test, when she was facing the reality of not being able to get pregnant. After blaming herself for a long time, Elena became depressed and was disappointed by herself. She even reached the point where she was willing to break away from her husband, considering that she would never succeed in fulfilling her dream of a loved one, that of having a baby girl
You can find Elena’s whole story and experience with ProFecund here https://youtu.be/p2LvDAVpM5c
Here there are a couple of advices that not only helped Elena and her husband to ‘survive’ infertility, but also helped them to strenghted their relationship:
Don't blame one another
Even if the main problem is his lazy sperm or the cysts on his ovaries, pointing with finger or blaming the other does not lead anywhere. There is a chance that the "responsible" person will already feel guilty or question his or her masculinity or femininity because of the fertility problems he/she has. Assignment of guilt only worsens things and adds issues of self-esteem over the already emotionally stressful experience.
Regardless of who is identified as "patient", infertility is a couple problem. Always approach it as a team, working together and finding ways to share responsibility for treatment.
During the first three years of trying to get pregnant, Elena believed that only her fertility problems prevented her from conceiving a child: "I was very disappointed with myself, as a woman, that I could not become pregnant, especially since my husband wanted very much a child, maybe even more than me and I felt bad. ” Her husband did not put the blame on her, but more than that he was very open when the third doctor they checked recommended him to do a sperm analysis. Although none of them expected, the results of the analysis showed that his sperm was having problems and thus received both treatments for the following months.
Be with your partner during sadness or hopelessness times
Regardless whether or not the cause of infertility is known, the disappointment resulting from unsuccessful attempts to conceive a child, month after month, year after year, weakens any hopeful person who wants a child with all their heart. "I started to get into depression, I was always crying, I even asked my husband to break away from me, knowing that he loves children very much. During this time, my biggest fear was that I would never have a child and I was afraid that, over the years, this would affect my relationship ", Elena told us. Emotions from this period can quickly pass from pain, anger, doubt, then hope. Being a partner means supporting each other. Elena's husband was with her during the hardest moments, encouraged and reassured her.
Do you need someone to hug you? Do you want someone to listen to you quietly? Want to hear solutions to your problem? Or do you prefer to be alone? Find out what you need and what your partner needs when crying or crying. If you don't know what your partner needs, ask him. If your partner doesn't know how to help you deal with the problems, tell him or her what you need. No matter how much you want your partner to read your mind, it is better to explain what you need than to receive the necessary support.
Talk honestly and practically about the options you have
When you are so emotionally involved, it can be difficult to break away and discuss your problems objectively. Each partner must be honest about what he/she thinks is the best approach and what he/she feels can handle. Some interventions or treatments, such as in vitro fertilization (IVF), are recommended to emotionally strong people.
Understand and respect the feelings and opinions of the partner
Even in marriages where husbands have similar experiences and beliefs, husbands may still have different feelings and opinions when fertility problems arise. Even if your partner has the same desire to continue fertility treatment, he or she may not agree with the budget, schedule, or priority of treatment over other life goals. Discuss your feelings and opinions and try to understand his/her point of view.
Make a plan and work together
Creating an action plan helps take individual and family decisions, depending on your goal. If you decide that following fertility treatment is a priority, but then you continue to smoke or your partner buys a boat with the money for the treatment, you will probably not be successful too soon. If one or both of you seem to deviate from the plan, it may be time to re-evaluate your actions, plan, or even goal.
Develop a sense of humor
The sense of humor is an essential survival tool for the challenges and stress caused by unsuccessful attempts to conceive a child. Try to make a joke about yourself and the situation you are in. Regardless of how difficult this period is, the ability to make a fun of the situation helps relieve tension. Laughing with the partner is always beneficial to the health of the couple's relationship.
Try to keep the magic of the relationship
The conception of a child "now" often puts pressure on the couple's sexual relationship and what was once fun now generates enthusiasm as much as a boring job. Remember how you enjoyed sex before proposing to have a baby and looking for ways to recreate it. For example, you can schedule romantic dating at unfortunate times, such as a bubble bath or massage. Sexual intimacy should not just mean sexual intercourse but use your imagination to plan recreational sex.
Ask for help if needed
Infertility causes so many emotions and so many struggles that sometimes partners struggle in an attempt to understand themselves, furthermore to understand each other. Now may be the right time for a little extra help, coming from outside the relationship. Elena found the support she needed in discussions with her grandmother. For other couples, a couple or individual psychotherapist may be the solution. The impartial point of view of someone from the outside sometimes facilitates the discussions you have in couples about your fertility problems and feelings.
The fertility problems could have broken Elena's marriage. Instead, Elena and her husband became a closer couple, because they learned to accept the situation together, to meet each other's needs and to work as a team to achieve their family goals. Many couples manage to win the fight with infertility, armed with new skills and mechanisms to cope with life crises, which they can successfully use in other difficult times throughout their lives.